When humility appears it’s a surprise. It certainly doesn’t come naturally.
If there’s been a growth of humility in my life it’s come primarily from repeated humiliation.
It’s odd how something so unpleasant can be so good for me. Not that I think humility can only be gained through a painful process. My level of pain is directly related to how tightly I cling to my pride.
And oh how I clutch the illusion of self-sufficiency, independence, and rugged-individualism. It’s all crap of course, a small truth blown out of proportion into a vast and shiny fragile idol.
Generally speaking, you’ll have to pry my idols from my “cold, dead, fingers” cuz I’m not giving them up until I hit rock bottom and simply have no more strength in me.
Several times it’s felt like I’ve hit rock bottom, unfortunately I can always sink lower. Which sucks! I’d like to avoid it, but I try doing the same old, same old – only faster and more often and then get surprised when I get the same poor results.
I need a movement away from Willfulness to Willingness – which usually only comes to me when I simply can’t be willful anymore. I’d like to think there’s a better way, but I’m still trying to figure out what the difference is between the two, it’s all blurry. The only way to stop being Willful seems to not will at all & that’s obviously not right.
I don’t know. This is unexplored country for me.
Stay tuned for more notes from the journey…
If there’s been a growth of humility in my life it’s come primarily from repeated humiliation.
It’s odd how something so unpleasant can be so good for me. Not that I think humility can only be gained through a painful process. My level of pain is directly related to how tightly I cling to my pride.
And oh how I clutch the illusion of self-sufficiency, independence, and rugged-individualism. It’s all crap of course, a small truth blown out of proportion into a vast and shiny fragile idol.
Generally speaking, you’ll have to pry my idols from my “cold, dead, fingers” cuz I’m not giving them up until I hit rock bottom and simply have no more strength in me.
Several times it’s felt like I’ve hit rock bottom, unfortunately I can always sink lower. Which sucks! I’d like to avoid it, but I try doing the same old, same old – only faster and more often and then get surprised when I get the same poor results.
I need a movement away from Willfulness to Willingness – which usually only comes to me when I simply can’t be willful anymore. I’d like to think there’s a better way, but I’m still trying to figure out what the difference is between the two, it’s all blurry. The only way to stop being Willful seems to not will at all & that’s obviously not right.
I don’t know. This is unexplored country for me.
Stay tuned for more notes from the journey…
3 comments:
"And oh how I clutch the illusion of self-sufficiency, independence, and rugged-individualism"
so so so true for me too. What universal words you write. You should write a book. I'd read it!
This week at school I kept having to ask questions of aloof and crabby profs. I just wanted to sit back and not need help. But I bit my pride and asked questions. And you know what!!!!? They totally didn't help me. Hi Ho Hi ho it's back in the shell I go. :(
IRRITATING!
I’m gnawing my tongue off to keep from going off on a rant here – but professors who are supposedly there to help you learn, instead putting up walls and effectively killing the desire for knowledge…well that REALLY annoys me.
Don’t go back in your shell! Somebody must resist these academic fascists!!!
Then again, a confrontational mindset is probably not the healthiest or most effective strategy. Try praying for the bastards.
I don't like taking risks. I am really really bad this way. When people talk about achieving their maximum potential and trying to live on the cutting edge of life, my first instinct is to say "Why do you want to expose yourself to such risk?" So yeah, I think I am scared as hell of being humbled. Hate it. I see the value of it intellectually. But my heart is running for cover. I'm a freakin' wimp, seriously yo!!
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